Time does not fly. Time runs and jumps and hops and skips and sprints and dashes and teleports AND frickin flies.

I realise it's a little late for me to posting a New Year post, but it's taken that long for me to fully understand the implications of this coming new year. But first, a little reminiscing.

2009.

2009 has been... interesting, for lack of a better word. It's been full of surprises (as any year is), and as for each and every year that's passed, it seems to have gone by me in a heartbeat. 2009 has been a year of major ups and major downs, each balancing the other out. I think I've definitely come out of it being a more mature person (even though it doesn't show on the outside!) In 2008, I vowed to take things more seriously, think carefully before I act etc. I think I overdid it. I think I've learned that really, that's not what life is. That's not how I want to lead my life, nor is it the way I SHOULD lead my life. I've learned that it's ok to be careless. It's ok to just let things go, laugh and take things easy. It's ok to go with the flow, because the flow can take you good places, and you're going to wear yourself out constantly trying to swim against it anyway. I think my inflexibility caused me a large amount of unnecessary stress, so I'm hoping that I can relax a little and enjoy 2010 (:

However, I think that 2009 has been a lousy year for me as a Christian. Early in the year, God really really blessed me with something I'd been pining for for a long time. I think after that, I became transfixed with what he'd given me, losing sight of what's really important - Him, the one who blessed me. On top of that, during my low points of the year, I gave in to certain... temptations that I told myself I'd never fall back into, and I am thoroughly ashamed of it (I have to put this out there - it's not porn). I hadn't loved God enough in 2009, and neither was I as dependent on Him as I should have been. This, I'm sure, was another cause of stress for me. I was worrying too much about things that I should've known God would see me through. What I'm saying is that, if we put all our faith in God, we KNOW that He will protect us, help us, and see us through to the end. Essentially, if we put all our faith in God, we'd be care free. I have not done that. I depended too much on myself to get myself through the year, and as such, I placed on myself many unnecessary burdens. Had I committed my worries to God, I probably would've emerged from 2009 not quite so worn and battered (and trust me, I AM worn and battered). 2010, I'm gonna set my path straight with God again.

Now, for New Year resolutions! I've thought these through quite a bit, honing in on what I think is important specifically to ME. Hopefully I can stick to these.

1) Be less obsessive/protective/possessive.

I have a tendency to be very protective over both things AND people. This really isn't healthy cause I know it ignites anger and jealousy in me, and I know that it upsets people too. This protectiveness stems from my lack of control over my imagination. I've realized that I let my imagination run A LOT. And this leads me to jump to conclusions and imagine the worst, and as a result I get overbearingly and stiflingly obsessive. I can break this down into two parts. Fristly, I need to learn to control my imagination. I need to stop seeing what's really not there, and this will help me keep my emotions in check too. Secondly, learn to slacken my possessive grip on things. My loved ones deserve better than that.

2) Say no.

I am atrociously weak-willed. I give in too easily, and I don't know how to say 'NO'. (It's why those charity donation people always walk away with money after talking to me at City Hall). Unfortunately, this unwillingness to say no also leads me to do... other things. Things that aren't quite as innocent as giving to charity. (Some of you can guess, some of you know what I'm talking about). Either way, I really don't want to get back into all that again, so I need to steel my will up a bit. I can't be such a push over any more.

3) Get fit both academically and physically.

This year is my final IB year. Needless to say, I'm going to need to work real hard to get good results for my IB final exams. I need to be more disciplined and get down to studying diligently. I've realized the magnitude of these exams, and I know I need to take them really seriously, so I shall. After that though, I'm enlisting for National Service. I am APOCALYPTICALLY out of shape. I really really don't feel like dying of exhaustion or heat stroke or whatever in camp, so I'm gonna need to shape up a little - both for National Service, and for my own health. I am way too unhealthy! Health is one thing that is truly ours and ours alone so we'd better take care of it! I've been neglecting mine for a long time, so I definitely need to take better care of it.

Well those are the top three on my list. There are other smaller ones, but these three take priority. I can tell 2010 is going to be an interesting year, with HUGE changes in my life, and I'm both a little excited and a little scared when I think about my impending future. But here's hoping for the best in 2010, have a good year people (:

    In the life of a student, Procrastination is a dire enemy, and it seems to be picking on me. It doesn't help that I'm the one who called out to it in the first place :d

    Well I've kinda been off school for the past week or so. School got cancelled last week from tuesday through til thursday due to H1N1 scares and imminent typhoon paths of destruction. Friday was all that was left, and it seemed a complete waste of time as the next 3 days would be school free too, so I sick-ditched. Effectively, one week off school. Now, I planned to use that week to catch up on schoolwork, but it seems I've slipped even further behind. Don't ask me how that happened, I don't know :d

  It's my birthday in 3 days but I'm less excited than I probably should be. Maybe the implications of being 18 haven't hit me yet. Maybe I'm just so busy with school that I don't feel relaxed enough to really enjoy my birthday. Ultimately though, I think that it's just the lack of close friends to celebrate with. The joy of gaining another year of age is really dimmed by the absence of those closest to you. This will be my 6th birthday celebrated outside Singapore, without my best friends by my side. It's not a huge deal, but it's definitely something I'm growing tired of. I'm growing tired of alot things. I wish I were a more carefree person. I worry too much. But some things can't be helped. Some things just NEED to be worried about. Like, what's going to happen to US? It hurts to think about it.

Well, I decided to burst out of hibernation and start posting again. Now that school's started, I get the feeling I'm gonna need a (non-violent) outlet to vent my stress.

Summer went by much too quickly, as it always does. Three months should NOT be allowed to pass by you so fast. But it did anyway. This trip back to Singapore was EPIC, for lack of a better word. Not so much happened in terms of big events, but all the many small things went into making one heck of a good holiday. It felt good to go back home where I can REALLY be myself and just hang out with my best friends again. Staying in Japan, I tend to hide myself behind a protective screen, fearful of the people around me, especially in school. In Singapore, such a barrier just doesn't seem necessary, and I'm thankful for that :) If I had to pick a word or a theme for to describe my stay in Singapore, I think it would friendship. I made new friends (many of which I would have formerly called acquaintances) but I also got a chance to look at and develop existing ones. I think I've come to realize who my real friends are, and seen where some ties of friendship may not be as strong as I thought. I'm not sure if it's my fault but I definitely don't want those ties to break. I'm gonna start repair work on them when I can. I think my walk with God also grew a little closer this trip back. Not necessarily by means of any seething holy fire inspiration from camp or anything, but I think my Godly conscience (?) has grown more aware. there are definitely parts of my life and my thinking that I need to change, and I hope I manage to do that. All in all, a good trip back (: A huge thanks to all (you know who you are) who made my stay so special (:

Sadly, all things come to an end - school started on wednesday, and I couldn't help but get a little depressed as I gazed wistfully out of my bus window, longing for another day (week, month, year) of summer break. I'm a Gr.12 senior in High School now, so I get to all sorts of privileges like senior dress. That means we keep a uniform but the shirt, pants and tie are of your own choosing. I have to play mix 'n' match every night before bed now, deciding what to wear for the next day :d But of course, this is my last year in high school, and things are getting really serious. Last year definitely wasn't my best year, and I'm convicted to improve. I've only had two days of school so far so I'm not sure how well I'll get along with the teachers. They all seem alright, but there are definitely some issues I'm concerned about (an Indian teacher with an accent so thick that a recital of the alphabet sounds like an fervent Hindi prayer). And of course there's the impending work load. It's gonna be hard starting up again after three months of inactivity but I'm gonna have to start getting my game together I suppose. Either way, tomorrow's Friday (thank God), and I think I might use some of my weekend to just read through some school material to prep myself for the classes. I'm definitely more than a little rusty in some areas.

I'm gonna need a four-leaf clover and a horse-shoe round my neck. Clear out the black cats and no walking under ladders.

  Well I sat us down and talked things out, and it turned out much better than I expected. Maybe this is a signal? A lesson? That I need to be stop being so timid or scared or whatever and just stand up and say what I feel I need to say. Obviously, try to do all this without getting reckless or anything, but maybe it's time for me to get off the sidelines and onto the floor. Things have a btter chance of working out that way :) It's like complaining about not being able to open a door when you're standing 5 metres away from it.

  I have something I need to say. I'm keeping it inside me now and the more I hold it in, the more I'm hurting. If I let out my little secret, it could potentially hurt a whole bunch of people. Isn't it better to just have ONE person suffer than SOME people? At the same time, there's some part of my head that's telling me that what I'm doing is harmful, and that really I should let it out before it kills me. But I don't want to. It could just end up in more hurt for me, and other people too. I want to tell YOU. YOU need to hear this. But I CAN'T tell you if I want you to be happy. Yet, how do I know that telling you would hurt you at all? Is it worth the risk? Do I spill it all, cross my fingers and hope I've done no harm? Or would I just end up making myself look like a fool, as usual, as always. You have your theories and to be honest, I'm terrified, but I'm dying with curiosity. I WANT you to guess it. I WANT you to get it right. Then I want to know what YOU think. IS THERE ANY CHANCE AT ALL. TNSIEHTAHTGNIYREVEODNACIESUACEB. And that's what's really crushing me here.

  So much for consistency. I'm sorry folks, some of you were wondering why I haven't been posting. Haha. It's simply cause my life AIN'T THAT INTERESTING. Hehe. On top of that, I've been getting killed with homework. Physics in particular has been driving me crazy, on top of all those other annoyances provided by the absolutely wonderful IB program. Ugh. My grades are dropping too. My luck (yes, lots of my grades are all a result of luck) has seemed to reach an end. Hmm, well not really reached an end, just turned into a new kinda of luck. BAD luck it seems. I'm just hoping the run of unluck ends by the time Spring break arrives. Speaking of which, time has decided to take on all the haste and rapidity of a one-legged, obese, crippled tortoise travelling against 100mph winds -.- Does time wanna move ANY slower? WTB fast-forward plzz pst me org AH. I wonder how many of you will understand that last sentence. Hm.
  Haha, while all the girls I know seem to be fangirling over Korean boybands, or just Korean boys, I've been busy fanBOYing over none other than Hayley Williams (she's mine! Go away!) Hehe. Forget sexy, busty super model-esque women. I love my adorable little rockstar girl :]

  Decisions. There're too many of them in life for us to make. Too many opportunities for us to make bad decisions. I'm only 17 and I've made some STUPID decisions that I really REALLY regret. Only a handufl of people know what I'm talking about, but I know I let alot of people down by making this couple of choices in particular. And I know I can't keep hiding it inside me forever. I'm gonna have to come clean about it some time or other, and get some closure on the issue. What I'm afraid of though, is how people will react when/if they find out. So far I've been lucky enough and the people I've told are all really supportive :) So thanks you guys. You don't know how much it means to me that you're not judging me based on whatever idiotic things I've done in the past :) In the end though, it'll all have to go to God, and I only hope that I can make things right for him and correct my misdoings.
  On a lighter note (haha I always say that don't I?), tomorrow's gonna be the last day of the school week for me, then we're having a really short winter break :) I don't mind the duration, I'm just glad I get a break from the routine I loathe so much.